𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝘄𝗲𝘀𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗶𝗻𝘁 𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽𝗲𝗱 𝗺𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗺𝘆 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝘀𝗵𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗼𝗿...
Here they were again. Those dark, frightening shadows in white lab suits, chasing me with oversized injections, whispering my name, and telling me that I’m not able to escape. I wake up soaked in sweat, realizing it is only a nightmare. These nightmares haunted me for many years. Eventually, they stopped. But they represent the early years of my childhood.
Born with a hip dysplasia of both hips (meaning my hip joints haven’t formed normally, so they didn’t work as they should), I spent most of my first four years in hospital. Several weeks at home, where I was showered with unconditional love and undivided care and attention, followed by several weeks being back in a sterile environment surrounded by unfamiliar faces and strange doctors and nurses. Visiting hours every Sunday for half an hour. If my mom and dad were lucky and depending on the nurse in charge, they were able to hold me in their arms for a couple of minutes. If not, they only had the chance to watch me through a small glass window.
Treatment included wearing several special devices, including Pavlik harnesses to hold my hip in place and being in casts for several months at a time. At age three, after all, treatment options failed, I had surgery realigning the hips.
𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗮𝗺 𝗜 𝘁𝗲𝗹𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀?
Because these early years had an incredible impact on my teenage and adult life that I can describe in two sentences: I was constantly seeking something. I always felt something was missing in my life. But what?
On the outside, my life looked amazing: I was the strong Alexandra, who lived by her own rules, navigated through life with ease and self-confidence. An untroubled woman who moved across countries and continents, had a successful career, traveled solo through 17 African countries, and who used every opportunity to explore exciting corners that mother earth had to offer.
On the inside, however, I felt like the little girl trapped in the cast, unable to move forward in my life. But was I aware of this little girl? Nope. Did I know what was holding me back? Nope.
𝗜 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗸𝗲𝗽𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴…
Searching for security but clinging to emotionally unavailable men. Searching for freedom but holding myself back by my negative thoughts of not feeling good enough. Searching for balance, but instead of being in the here and now, I either felt regret about the past or anxious about the future. Searching for happiness all over the world, instead of creating it myself. Searching for fulfillment instead of listening to my heart. Searching for answers and validation in the outer world instead of listening to my inner dialogue!
There was a time in my life, where I was at the lowest. Job gone. Partner gone. Friends gone. Income gone. A flight catapulted me back to Germany after living overseas for more than a decade, back to mom and dad, and to a bit of village that I left when I was 19 years old. Welcome to the lowest point in my life. My inner critic was relentlessly hammering me with negative messages about my self-worth. I lost everything dear to my heart and found everything that I always wished for…
𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝗱𝗶𝗱 𝗜 𝗱𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁?
I met mini-me, the little girl in her cast, looking at me with big brown eyes, hoping that I would finally take her home and take care of her. The journey to myself made me discover my strength and ability to eliminate my limiting beliefs and behaviors. Today, this little girl is my hero as she helped me find inside what I was searching for in the outer world.
𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘀𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗶𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲? 𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀 𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗯𝗮𝗰𝗸 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝗶𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗹𝗶𝗳𝗲? 𝗟𝗼𝗼𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀…